She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
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*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
*looks at recipe prep time: 10 minutes*
*two hours later*
Me: LIAR!
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Sniffing the broccoli