She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
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So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.