Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.

I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.

[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong

Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia

I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…

Ground up and in the freezer

Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.

She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.

The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.

Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one

Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.

*turns on broadcast TV*

Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?

*sees Activia ad*

*sees Metamucil ad*

*sees Cialis ad*

I think I have the answer.

I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.

15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?

Me: grapes

15: Nice! We have grapes?!

Me: *sips wine* nope

Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house

Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons

Me: What about the housekeeper

Gma: Already talked to her

Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair

Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy

my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse

Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”

Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”

Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”

WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her

Feeling invisible and unnoticed?

Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.

Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille

“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*

I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”

There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity

[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]

My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”

i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.

i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.

Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving

Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band

Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.

*deals poker hand*

peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]

everyone, at exactly the same time: fold

(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)

I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless

what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince