She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
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When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
blocked him on everything and he shared a google doc with me😭
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”