She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
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I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.
Laser tag makes me realize how quickly I will die in the laser wars
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Do not steal food from the science building!
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
psycho uses a TON of central framing and its making me so mad because you just KNOW that alfred hitchc*ck was doing it for the sake of tik tok video clips
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…