She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
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I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
This kid is a star!
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
Don’t you hate when you come in from practicing your lightsaber skills in the outhouse and your wife says ‘Oh look, it’s the return of the Shedi’ and then your kids cry laugh for forty minutes.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
much to think about
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…