She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
You Might Also Like
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Luigi Mangione sounds like a made up Italian name, but then again, my name is Michael Primavera.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Our dachshund swallowed a slinky. You should see him going down the stairs.