She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
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I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
I identify as an antique shop.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
no way 😭
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂