She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
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astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
God sends his most incorrect food & drink orders to his most conflict avoidant soldiers
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Boeing astronauts this morning trying to book a return trip with Uber
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood