Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend

[At a Christening]

Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.

Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.

A family that plays together cheats.

[4:30 AM]

Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep

Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen

squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?

Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.

[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do that

her: be a chef?

me: be manipulated by an animal

*aliens return to ship*

ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?

“We left them”

AL: Why?

“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”

Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.

I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?

If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry

HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana

ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals

“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers

the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own

They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.

Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long

WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM

Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?

I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.

I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat

#titanic

If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to

When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play

Me: If you love something you have to let it go.

Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese

Friend: Well, the more you know-

Me: The sadder you’ll feel

Friend:

Me: Is that not the phrase?

Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong

Me: *crying* Well the more you know

The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.

*deleted Titanic scene*

Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats

Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!

I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit

Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.

I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.