She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
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[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Somebody’s lying.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Look Ma, no handle on things
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.