She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
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(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Sending in my taxes
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Brain: That cookie is hot.
Me: Like lava hot.
Brain: Let it cool down.
Me: Agreed.
Brain: But… it’s right there… and you’re an adult who makes poor decisions.
Me: Also true.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts