She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
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A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
embroidery proof arrived and as expected, it does not make my wife laugh
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
I’m so lazy I let my battles pick me
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Three men tried to rob my friend at gun point yesterday in Atlanta and he was so annoyed he was like “what do yall want? Advice? Cause I don’t have any money”LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO