She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
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I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.