She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
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Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
*watches the world burn*
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Cake safety first. Always.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.