She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
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How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
It was the best of times, it was the election year of times.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
