“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
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Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.