“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
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The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
bury ourselves
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”