“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
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Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
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Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
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13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”