She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
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*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Today the vet told me “you have a really good dog” and I said I know she’s perfect and holds my mental health on her little shoulders and she laughed nervously and said “oh no, that’s pretty heavy” and i was like damn dude, ok??? you can tell, huh? Alright calm down lol geez
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.