She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
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Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
how to have fun when you’re poor
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.