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Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
I don’t always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.