She was rare, like a properly pronounced street name from a GPS
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I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.
“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”
I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.