She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
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i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.