She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
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I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Herpes is trending, good job people
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
This is Sparta
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒