She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
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Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance