She was REALLY feeling it.
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Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot