She was REALLY feeling it.
You Might Also Like
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
“the hills are alive”
“OH MY GOD HEAD FOR THE OH NOOOO I MEAN HEAD AWAY FROM THE”
“with the sound of music”
“OH GOD THE HILLS ARE GOING TO EAT US AND ALSO THEY ARE SINGING RUN FASTER!!!!”
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.