She was REALLY feeling it.
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Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY