She was REALLY feeling it.
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The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon
HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?
ME: I do not.
Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.
whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?
Me: Go to your room.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
doctor: do you drink alcohol?
me: yeah a couple times a week
doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.