She was REALLY feeling it.
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WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Me: Donates my body to science
Science: Donates my body to Goodwill
Goodwill: Revives me and tells me to get out of their damn store
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Winnipeg!!
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
My dream car is a taco truck.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.