She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
not to brag, but mine was free
The next person to ring the doorbell on a Saturday trying to sell something will be subjected to my 6yo’s full lecture on lizards, and let me warn you, it’s long
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off
“this too shall pass” okay but like… when exactly
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
