She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
