She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
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No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.