Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”

Me: Do that thing that I like

Cop: I’m not frisking you again

Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.

Veganism is responsible for The Fall.

Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.

I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.

Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.

Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂

Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE

Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?

Dad: Well it’s in my blood

I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.

My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.

[tsunami approaching]

guy: RUN

me: wait why is the T silent

*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky

Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.

DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.

BARTENDER: Olive or twist?

DICKENS: *looks into camera*

Me: Know any potato jokes?

My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?

My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.

Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat

I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.

I thought Hogwarts was in Orlando and that’s why they have those accents.

Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.

Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.

Guests: [sitting down for Thanksgiving dinner]

Me: Oh. You’re staying?

I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.

I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”

[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.

If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.

My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.

Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.

Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?

GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas

The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.