@elisemarie91

She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza

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@envydatropic

Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive

@mommajessiec

The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.

@the_gramble

Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason

@ozzyunc

I understand cicadas because I too go out once every 17 years & just wanna scream the whole time.

@joeldanger

My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.

@TheToddWilliams

“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”

MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China

@ohpeetie

10: What’s it like being a grown up?

Me [hands her money]: When we get to the movies, buy a large popcorn.

10: This is only $2

M: Exactly