She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
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A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Thinking about Jeff
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.