“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
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Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
is this meant to deter me
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
ACED my prostate exam!
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off