she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
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judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
me logging onto twitter
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…