Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.

Contestant: What is love?

*dance party erupts*

I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.

Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.

6yo: (raises hand)

Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)

6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?

Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.

Introverts: Praise Jesus!

Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.

Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.

I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.

When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.

Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal

Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife

[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.

I have the attention of a goldfish.

Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.

I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.

[at an indian restaurant]

me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.

her: what’s gooey naan?

me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?

THE DOG😭😭💀

snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?

I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.

I’d like to be alone now please sign out.

Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…

But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.

Good morning

Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?

Overheard at the grocery store:

“Oh, I need a baguette.”

“A female bag?”

“God, you’re such a himbo, Kyle.”

geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot

Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.

Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice

[later]

Date: hi
Me: 69

We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.

[wonka factory in 2018]

Charlie: augustus is drowning

Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all

If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.

For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.

Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood