she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
You Might Also Like
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.