Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.

Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?

Astronomer: No, comet.

4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000

Me:

Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya

My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.

what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?

Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.

Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember

Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night

I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.

I think I’m on to something here.

Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.

I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.

One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.

I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.

If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”

Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.

Husband: Great! What should we be?

Me: I meant me and the dog.

Husband: Of course you did.

Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?

Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore

*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*

Genie: Probably should have opened with that

IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.

The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages

The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.

Wife: Silent

Me: What’s wrong?

Wife: Nothing

Me: Grabs shield and sword

Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.

#CarrotDay

I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.

I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?

[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.

I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”

me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”

Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.

Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.

ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?

BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.

ROBIN: What?

BATMAN: What?

(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET

Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?