she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
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*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
So my rum and raisin cake is gluten free.
It’s also raisin free.
And cake free.
OK it’s just rum
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS