She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
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PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Ape together strong
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
You have been warned.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
not seeing the problem
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can