She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
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[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
The most accurate map ever devised.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Do u think the white fluid in the robots on Alien is battery fluid or milk. I’ve been calling it robot milk but no one likes when I say that
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.