She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
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[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
When someone trying to leave me
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
The jeans are skinny. I’m not
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen