She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
You Might Also Like
Very problematic
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
I got a job as a bullet
They fired me immediately
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.