Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!

Ok now say “coffee”!

Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.

most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns

Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?

My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.

BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?

ROBHURT: yeh

When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.

If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.

My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.

[Getting phone call from the School]

Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.

M: Did he win?

T: That’s not really relevant.

M: It is to the winner.

Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.

Thanos: I killed half the universe.

Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.

Everyone:

Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.

People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers

it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops

I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.

My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome

We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.

What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.

*men apologize for their weakness*

*women apologize for their strength*

*aliens probe neither*

🙂🙃🥹

Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.

In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too

EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.

Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.

6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.

someone just bragged they had two jobs.

this country is so lost.

5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?

Me: No

Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?

Me: Because he’s met me

what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait

me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?

google: give it to someone else

I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.

[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there

Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.

Sincerely, spiders