she would like to bark at the manager, please.
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If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?