@Mechaniz10

She yelled another guy’s name in bed then we looked at each other. Then she finally yelled April Fool’s! Then we laughed & laughed.

She’s such a kidder..

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@pleatedjeans

*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*

@longwall26

Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.

@mattytalks

Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine

@JhonRules

me: you know they never did catch the zodiac killer

guy next to me on the bus: why do you keep saying that

@AmericanGent69

Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.

Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.

@GABBYdaAngSaya

Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.

@iamspacegirl

me: I’m tired

Medieval Physician: Ok I’m gonna cut you open to drain your blood

me: Maybe I could rest

MP: haha no I’m cutting your veins

@JennyJohnsonHi5

When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.