What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
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anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject