Every Food Blog RN: Can’t get out to shop? Make this stew with ingredients everyone has in their pantry:
4 Cups chicken broth
1 narwhal horn
2 freshly picked nests of the swiflet bird
1 dodo egg
2 bay leaves
salt and pepper to taste
A dollop of soft vampire bat cheese on top
She yelled another guy’s name in bed then we looked at each other. Then she finally yelled April Fool’s! Then we laughed & laughed.
She’s such a kidder..
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I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
(staying in on a friday night) this is depressing and lonely
(at a bar on a friday night) oh wow i hate this more
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Wish there was a pill I could put in a girl’s drink, that would make her do my taxes.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
If you say Jesus backwards it sounds like Sausage.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably