@Mechaniz10

She yelled another guy’s name in bed then we looked at each other. Then she finally yelled April Fool’s! Then we laughed & laughed.

She’s such a kidder..

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@Gooooats

Every Food Blog RN: Can’t get out to shop? Make this stew with ingredients everyone has in their pantry:

4 Cups chicken broth
1 narwhal horn
2 freshly picked nests of the swiflet bird
1 dodo egg
2 bay leaves
salt and pepper to taste
A dollop of soft vampire bat cheese on top

@abhorrent_wife

I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.

@palokin

Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.

@bobvulfov

(staying in on a friday night) this is depressing and lonely

(at a bar on a friday night) oh wow i hate this more

@Swishergirl24

This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.

@roxiqt

THERAPIST: You need more friends

ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week

THERAPIST: …

ME: …

THERAPIST: … So all of these-

ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys

@iGreenMonk

Wish there was a pill I could put in a girl’s drink, that would make her do my taxes.

@marthasa1

After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.

@Poutymcgee

[during sex]

If you say Jesus backwards it sounds like Sausage.