Sheep
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I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
when a toddler tells a story
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
no. that was two husbands ago. my great, great ex husband
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
I saw instructions in a mens restroom on how to wash your hands properly. How stupid is that? As if men read instructions
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*