Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones

I had to show my contempt by grunting

And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.

Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!

[rap battle]

me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise

my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok

Why are hurricanes named only after girls?

Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines

I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.

me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief

also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom

Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…

Him: Steve…my name is Steve.

Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.

A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺

*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.

People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.

fedex driver: can i get a name?

sauron: i have many names

fedex driver: ok i just need one tho

HAPPY EARTH DAY!

Suck it, Neptune.

I live alone.

The dryer is my closet.

living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.

If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.

me: i’m doing well

webmd: you may want to sit down

my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.

Everyone has something they believe in.

I believe in drinking before noon.

Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”

Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”

the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.

turns out he just wanted apple sauce

*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*

If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.

I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.

So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math

I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs!”

I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma.” – then it hit me.