sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
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Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
You know you’re a writer when you have file names like “final_draft_V15_updated_edited_this_sucks_going_to_rewrite_this_garbage_i_need_a_drink.doc”
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.