Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.

Give me one good reason not to have a drink.

Hepatologist: Hold my beer.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup

Ever wonder how many cap fulls of ZzzQuil would it take for you to wake up spooning an inflatable Snowman 2 blocks away ….. well it’s 3

Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.

just overheard a conversation

“You’re a tutor, right?”

“Yeah”

“What subjects do you toot?”

Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?

Random person who answered the phone: Yes.

Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?

When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂

Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.

wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”

Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever

I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.

The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink

According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.

interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?

me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest

Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.

2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out

[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me*

*Prius spins out of control*

Thug life.

My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️

For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.

The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.

If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.

stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos

My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.

Is it stupid and irresponsible? Yes. Will it make me happy? Also yes.

I tuxedo what I tuxewant.

I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.

I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.

My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.

A Haiku For My Salad:

I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad