sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
You Might Also Like
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
My child: mom! Stop saying you’re old!
Also my child: please don’t break a hip on your run today. You fall down very easily.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Me: *Trying to let go of the past and live in the present.*
iPhone: Here are 20 slideshows of people who ruined your life.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
9yo: Did you know that long, long ago. Like, really long ago, it took computers MINUTES to connect to the internet. Like actual MINUTES.
Me: Yeah… I knew that.
9yo: Of course you did because you like history.
Me: Go away now.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”
You did what sir?!
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.