Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.
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My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
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I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
A rib broke out of the trash bag last night and stabbed me in the shin as I was taking out the trash. I know my vegetarian followers will approve. 🙂
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.