Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.
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Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Text a coworker at a random time “are you joining this meeting?” as a fun holiday prank
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.