Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.
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Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Pizza is an emotion right?
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
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4.
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10. He is a cat.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”