Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.

Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison

Don’t tell me how to lift my baby

ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me

If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!

“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.

My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.

Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*

*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now

I think suicide is selfish because there’s probably somebody out there who already really wants to kill you

[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish

[being murdered]

me: thanks for doing this

Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet

Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian

Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working

Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.

After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!

[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous

Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.

Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.

The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.

Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.

In this essay, I will

when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast

I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.

Of course I have critical thinking skills I’m thinking critically of you right now.

My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.

I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.

Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.

Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?

Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.

*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*

Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy

Wife: You’re supposed to cook it

Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”

Me: “I was born three months premature.”