sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
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Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.