Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
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{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
courtroom exchange of the day
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
It was the best of times, it was the election year of times.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”