Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: have you seen the dog bowl?

me: *imagining it* no but I want to

I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”

(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang

My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.

Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”

My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.

Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.

Her: Don’t you have a child?

Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”

*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive

Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.

Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.

idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]

My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses

Me: What fresh hell is this?

Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!

Story time

How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.

Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?

Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?

J.W: Why yes..

[slams the door]

roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew

Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror

[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!!

[Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!

[in bathroom stall]

Me: …

Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall

Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.

Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage

I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.

The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.

People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me

People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body

People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk

How do I explain to my 19 month old that a seahorse doesn’t say “neigh?”

Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.

BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?

ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning

BOSS: why a clown though