Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Become ungovernable.

i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them

I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.

Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.

Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.

What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID

I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me

How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?

School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”

Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose

In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.

It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.

can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.

Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.

You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?

Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut

Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.

My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on

Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.

I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.

There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”

For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..

* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications

They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.

[1st date]

Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster

Him: we should check out my hot-tub later

Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*

People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.

We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.

“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison

[100 year old man on job interview]

“Do you have any references?”

Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*

I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.

Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?

Oh…

*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*

Better?

Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake

*husband rolls his eyes then instantly regrets it

My brain:
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t

Me: burns his grilled cheese sandwich on both sides

saying “eat the rich”

-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibal

saying “ok boomer”

-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy