Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!

Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.

Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.

The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke

In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.

Him: I like a girl who’s a good host

Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS

a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???

YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.

Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.

It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.

*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.

“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once

[Home invasion]

Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married

[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]

Interested in both term and whole life insurances.

I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.

Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.

I don’t make the rules.

Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’

[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.

Maybe I’m the problem..

Nvm that don’t even sound right

*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.

How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.

How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.

Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS

I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.

read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of

My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.

[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?

if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed

Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.

WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD