Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

girlfriend: is crying

me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while

ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked

I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.

If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.

I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.

He’s hoping to make big bucks.

Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.

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OMG DAD WAT?
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Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers

*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it

Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)

6yo student: My grandma has that dress.

When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.

THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW

I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism

Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit

Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?

I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.

I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.

Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016

stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.

Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.

Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.

PRO TIP:

Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.

The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.

Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.

INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”

ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel

I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing

[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal

When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.

If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab

“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever

I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.