(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
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Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Happy birthday to all the women
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!