Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough

Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.

Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie

Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this

I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.

ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies

Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet

Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.

My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars

“Can you get my water, Mom?”

— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.

16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.

Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*

Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.

“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”

.

anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///

People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together

Who called them mermaids and not scale models?

#CatsOnTwitter

I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”

In high school I was voted “most likely to hold a grudge” and I’m still fucking mad about it.

ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):

all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”

*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*

i love re-reading my favorite book

me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana

my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE

Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.

*wife is out of town*

Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?

*looks around and shrugs*

Screw it. This is my house.

*falls into toilet at 3AM*

[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR

me: let’s circle back around and touch base

baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it

Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.

6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.