“Sheer Arrogance”
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Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
🚲+physics = winner
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
No, he would not have.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
there’s probably a fee though
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore