“Sheer Arrogance”
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that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
dictator is short for richard potato
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
This 4th of July, please remember…
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Chicago sounds lovely.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.