She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
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I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.