Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship

After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is

New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads

[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back

[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it

Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.

Me: What?

C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.

M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.

C:

M:

C: Have a nice day

I’m not embarrassed.

I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.

(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)

My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral

Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie

Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.

I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.

Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?

Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.

“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.

-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book

AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain

Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.

Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?

PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.

Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.

just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man

[feeding the cat]

Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.

Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.

Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.

Cat: I’m really hurt.

Me:

Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”

The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.

In a parallel universe nobody can park.

his wife is probably gonna see that

You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.

PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently

SON: Oh my god what’s wrong

ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake

This comic I made in 2015 is my dads favorite comic in the entire world and every October he asks me to post it again… happy Halloween dad 🎃

The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.