Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever

me:

[Me flirting with a twenty something]

Him: When last did you get lit?

Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.

And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile

I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.

Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.

Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.

I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.

Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.

Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.

It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.

Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.

[face to face with a serial killer]

Me: So this is how it ends.

SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.

I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.

Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.

one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom

the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on

Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.

If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.

I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones

My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”

My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy

I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich

ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser

Me: *folding a fitted sheet*

Ghost: Ouch.

cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor

me: i don’t know where dave is

cop: how did you know it was dave

[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: hindsight

professor x: that won’t help us

me: yes i see that now

My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.

2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!

2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.

My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.