Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.

Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.

You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.

damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me

You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.

The three genders.

[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”

Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries

Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that

Chairs are pretty great.

You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.

i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.

A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.

My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.

The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm

heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)

Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…

Me: That IS self control

Dietician: how?

Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut

I asked my grandma if she had a hard time moving to nyc from Poland as a teen & going to hs in bk knowing 0 English, & if ppl didn’t wanna be friends w her, etc. & she held my shoulder & looked me in the eyes & said, Austyn. I was gorgeous. Everyone wanted to be my friend

I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide

My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me

So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known

If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.

Yes my dude

“A wine please”

“Sir, this is McDonalds…”

“Okay, a McWine please”

Breakfast: Banana Bread

Lunch: Orange Creamsicle

Dinner: Carrot Cake

Vegetarianism is hard.

Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair

7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?

me: i guess so

7: and because she likes books?

me: um…yeah

7: but at least she’s pretty right?

me: …let’s watch moana instead

If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.

As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here

So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.

I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.