“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
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Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Bartenders are just boneless bars
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.