Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
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Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Hawk o the mornin tuah
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”