Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.

God: welcome to heaven!

Me: but i didn’t believe in you.

God: yeah i get that a lot.

Me: so… we’re all good then?

God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*

Establish dominance over your children by whining louder

So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.

Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.

😂

*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message

Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.

The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause

me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel

also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti

Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?

I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”

ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this

You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…

Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.

Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.

#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes

Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*

Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.

If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂

Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.

Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.

I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.

Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working

“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.

I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!

*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closet

It’s so hard to meet people these days

That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod

“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time

NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON

so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell

Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.